I have two weeks left.
I'm freaking out internally. I did post an ad for childcare, but I just have no desire at all to meet these women. I don't want to leave my baby for someone else to love. I don't want someone else to negotiate the relationship between my kids. It's astounding the amount of thoughtless, stupid stuff that people say to kids.
On the other hand, I have no desire to fix dinner while managing the kids. The idea of trying to accomplish that is just exhausting. Either I leave the Guajolotito to scream for a while in the early evening, or I strap him on and attempt to cook with 18lbs suspended between me and the stove. Usually I choose option 1 because option 2 doesn't seem safe. Besides which that's the witching hour so the Guajolotita is either running circles around me or having insane meltdowns about nothing.
I also do not manage to keep the house clean OR do fun things with the kids. Really, I mean a usual outing is walking to the grocery store with the wagon which is kinda fun but she'd rather ride her balance bike to the park. But then she's too tired to cooperate at the grocery store... or if we are out all morning then the dishwasher never gets loaded and I can't plan something for dinner. But staying home realistically means changing diapers and negotiating the potty and nursing the baby and feeding the kid and I usually do run a couple loads of laundry but nothing really gets picked up or cleaned.
They don't sleep at the same time. My sweet boy naps in the late morning, waking up just one Kid 1 goes to sleep, and he falls asleep again about an hour after Kid 1 wakes up. This also contributes to the difficulty we have going for outings. I want to get the house a bit picked up/organized before going out for the day and by then Kid 2 is asleep in his bed. He will happily sleep in the Ergo but, having Kid 1 as such a poor sleeper I really want to let the Guajolotito sleep IN HIS BED so he doesn't get used to sleeping only with the motion of being strapped on to me. Also I am more or less trying to the Guajolotita be more responsible for herself - waiting for her to put her shoes on, waiting for her to let me know she has to go to the bathroom - but she takes FOREVER. And between that and the other one sleeping, then we are captive till 3pm each day.
But after I go back to work, I'll only see these kids for an hour before bed, AND still have to fix dinner during that time, and laundry and real cleaning will have to happen after they are in bed. A babysitter does a better job of loading/unloading the dishwasher and keeping the toys picked up than I do though. Or at least, that was true with one kid. I dunno if that will be true with two. I suspect probably.
Even though I don't feel like I do a very good job of "being home" I do really have fun with these kids. It's a wonderful feeling to just know everything the Guajolotita is talking about. None of it is a mystery - well OK a lot of it still is a mystery, I have no idea where some of her ideas are coming from, but many things I can relate to various conversations we had during the week. She's so sweet with her babydoll Alex, and occasionally plays so nicely with her brother, and tells me these neverending incredible stories. I really do feel so fortunate to know her and get to see her so much. I don't want to give that up.
P.S. childcare will be more than my salary when I go back. For at least the next 2 years.